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You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

**this one is old, but still cute***

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

IDIOTS AT WORK...

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

40-ish = 49

Adventurous = Slept With Everyone

Athletic = No Tits

Average looking = Ugly

Beautiful = Pathological Liar

Contagious Smile = Does A Lot Of Pills

Emotionally Secure = On Medication

Feminist = Fat

Free Spirit = Junkie

Friendship First = Former Very "Friendly" Person

Fun = Annoying

New Age = Body Hair In The Wrong Places

Open-Minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud And Embarrassing

Passionate = Sloppy Drunk

Professional = Bitch

Voluptuous = Very Fat

Large Frame = Hugely Fat

Wants Soul Mate = Stalker

Womens English

1.Yes = No

2.No = Yes

3.Maybe = No

4.We Need = I Want

5.I Am Sorry = You'll Be Sorry

6.We Need To Talk = Your In Trouble

7.Sure, Go Ahead = You Better Not

8.Do What You Want = You Will Pay For This later

9.I Am Not Upset = Of Course I Am Upset, You Moron!

10. Your Very Attentive Tonight = Is Sex All You Ever Think About?

Mens English

1.I Am Hungry = I Am Hungry

2.I Am Sleepy = I Am Sleepy

3.I Am Tired = I Am Tired

4.Nice Dress = Nice Cleavage!

5.I Love You = Lets Have Sex Now

6.I Am Bored = Do You Want To Have sex?

7.May I Have This Dance? = I'd Like To Have Sex With You

8.Can I Call You Sometime? = I'd Like To Have Sex With You

9.Do You Want To Go To A Movie? = I'd Like To Have Sex With You

10.Can I take you Out to dinner? = I'd Like To Have Sex With You

11.Those Shoes Don't Go With That Outfit! = I'm Gay!

And Finally.....

A recent study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket shoved up his backside!

What does a guy say when he wants to break up with you?

I'll call you tomorrow...

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was mingler 362636.

That evening, the man brought mingler 362636 to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to mingler 362636 and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Mingler 362636 batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

OK Back on topic....Letter to TIDE

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?" "I promise! I won't" she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

You're Welcome Wintermoon

Hope your day is going well...

--Stance issues--

Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.

Anything the matter? Charlie asked.

Na, its just that I cant stand the club pro, Roger replied.

Hes just been trying to correct my stance.

Hes only trying to help your game, Charlie soothed.

Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

As lunch time approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

"Hello, hello" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello! "

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there? "

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine.....

"I'm a member of nudist MENSA, I'm a member of nudist MENSA, I'm a member of nudist MENSA.... "

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive"

What did Tiger say when he looked in the toilet? Ooh pooh.

How do you know when your pet elephant is on it's period? There is a quater on your dresser and your mattress is gone.

What do you call a toupee on a black man? A fro-rug

What do you call a constipated German? farfrompoopin.

Why is pubic hair curly? Cause if it were straight it would poke your eyes out

what's old and wrinkled and smells like ginger? fred astaire's face

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband

============

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Jamaican fireman

A newly wed Jamaican fireman came home from work one day

and said to his wife:

Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings - we put on de jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says.... 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

When I says : Bell two', you jump on de bed.

When I says : Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night.

"

The next night he came home and shouted :

'Bell One' and she stripped naked.

'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.

'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".

"What de hell is Bell Four', woman?"

She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire!!!!!

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to

make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings . The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular Black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says a "How well can you do?"

"Um.I hate liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, My," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turned to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature,but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a shy wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Liver alone, cheese mine."

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.

When Homer came back from the fields, they made love.

After supper, they made love; And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

'Homer' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time'

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

'What's wrong?' asked the Doc. 'Didn't my idea work?'

'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin'

'Good, Homer. So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.

'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!'

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Nora is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee, Nora.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and t he whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Nora surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll o f plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

&n bsp; The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Nora

"'I'm sorry,' he said to Nora, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.........your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

> >> did

> >> for a living.

> >>

> >> All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman,

> >> saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

> >>

> >> However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when

> > the

> >> teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

> >>

> >> 'Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her

> >> clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear.

> > Sometimes,

> >> if

> >> the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay

> >> with

> >> him

> >> all night for money.'

> >>

> >> The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the

> > other

> >> children to work on some exercises and then took li ttle Justin aside

> > to

> >> ask him,

> >>

> >> 'Is that really true about your

> >> mother?'

> >>

> >> 'No,' the boy said, 'She works for the Democratic National Committee

> > and

> >> is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I

> > was

> >> too

> >> embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

THIS IS PRETTY FUNNY!!!!!

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you

forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have

nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been horrid. Your boss called to tell me

that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new

haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair

of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes and then went straight to sleep

after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or

anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating

on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Do not try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to

West Virginia together. Have a great life!

Her reply was:

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,

although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my

soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.

Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing

that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Because my mother

raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't

comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me

confused with my sister because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the

$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a

coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it

out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million,

I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got

home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer

said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So

take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was

born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

confucious says man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts

A Rabbi and a Minister walk in a bar and the bar tender says is this some sort of joke?

So one day this guy walked into a bar and sat down. The bar tender walked over said: Hey fella you don't look so good what wrong. The guy says: Well I just found out I am dying of cancer. The bar tender says: Hey man thats ruff take it easy. Later on the lunch crowd walks in and they all see the man sitting there. One of them asks: Hey fella you don't look so good what wrong. The guy says: Oh I just found out I am dying of Aids. All of the guys are like that terrible feel better. After they all lefft a guy comes down from the end of the bar and says: How come you told the bar tender you were dying of cancer but all those guys you were dying of Aids?

The guy answers: Isn't obvious I don't want then ****ing my wife after I am gone.

Part II The Zen master hands the hot dog vendor a $20. The Zen master says where is my change? The hot dog vendor says: change must come from within.

he penis, it stands up so a women can sit down

What do elephants use as condoms?

Sheep

Sheep

oh just hush and do the truffle shuffle for us

A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn, specifically to his legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for his sunburn, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his sunburn, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

(got this joke from a myspace buddy)

@ PRISON

@ WORK

You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

You get three meals a day fully paid for

you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

You get time off for good behavior

you get more work for good behavior

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

You can watch TV and play games

you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

You get your own toilet

you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

They allow your family and friends to visit

you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

You must deal with sadistic wardens

they are called managers

You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies

you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Now get back to work!! You're not getting paid to read the forums!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports for Abraham's descendants

They did every computer-related job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in rhe underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said: "JESUS SAVES"

reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his

eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped

and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had

captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders

mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked."They're

mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top?" she

asked."That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one

is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the

joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of

them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took

her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that

brokeback mountain shit in our garden."

Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN

LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES

THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME

WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER

THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM

MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO

COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR

COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING

AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND

CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU

DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

GOTCHA!

So, first the minster stands up and says: God I want to me able to help out my congregation so I want you to make me very popular so when I speak people will listen so my congregation will expand. God says: fine a noble request and grants the wish.

Second, the priest says to God: my congregation is not the problem its all of our church's and shelter program are poorly. I wish to have money to refurbish all of them so we can properly practice religion. God says once again a noble request and grants the wish.

Finally, the Rabbi stand up and says my issue is that I have don't can't get to my congregation. So I was wondering if you could build a suspension highway in between Alaska and Russia. God says to the Rabbi: that is a mighty tall order, your sure there isn't anything else I could grant you? The Rabbi thinks about it and says: well I would like to be able to understand the female part of my congregation. My wife and daughters always do things that make no sense perhaps you could give me the power to understand them.

God replies so this highway how many lanes wide should it be?

The next day the Amish girl was with her Amish boy friend and her hands got cold. So she put them between her legs to warm them up. Her boy friend asked: what are you doing? The girl said: my mother showed me how to warm things up by using my legs, you just put what ever it is between them and they will get warm. Her boy friend then said: well my **** is frozen solid can you help me warm it up? The girl said sure not knowing what a **** was.

Afterwards when she finally came home her mother asked her where had she been. She replied: I was helping my boy friend thaw out his penis. Upon hearing this her mother asked her what she had done.

The daughter replied I did as you showed me I put it between my legs. The thing is I didn't realize that is was that messy to dethaw a penis.

Gary tells him: "Those are golf tees." When Van der Merwe gives him a blank look he explains: "You place your balls on them when you drive off".

Says Van: "Jeeeez, those Merc designers think of everything."

WHEN HE FINISHED SHE PAID HIM AND SAID, "I'M GOING TO MAKE A,,,WELL,,,UNUSUAL REQUEST. BUT YOU HAVE TO FIRST PROMISE ME YOU'LL KEEP IT A SECRET.

THE REPAIRMAN QUICKLY AGREED AND SHE WENT ON. "WELL, IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING TO TALK ABOUT, BUT WHILE MY HUSBAND IS A KIND, DECENT MAN---SIGH----HE HAS A CERTAIN PHYSICAL WEAKNESS. A CERTAIN DISABILITY. NOW I'M A WOMAN AND YOU'RE A MAN..."

THE REPAIRMAN COULD HARDLY SPEAK, 'YES, YES!"

"AND SINCE I'VE BEEN WANTING TO, EVER SINCE YOU CAME IN THE DOOR.....

"YES, YES!"

"WOULD YOU HELP ME MOVE THE REFRIGERATOR?"

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music' - Here are the lyrics she used:

(If you sing it, its especially hysterical)

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it)

To all my family and friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something.......

NONE OF THAT SH*T WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, BEER, chocolate,

movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead .

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a biatch...

*

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college

graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to

be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did

the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is

asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Brigham

YoungUniversity and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the

behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They

all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and

release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.

"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power

of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.

" They throw the switch

and again, nothing happens.

Again they all immediately fall to their knees,

beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,

I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in

Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna

electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

*

I don't write 'em I just post 'em

I was packing for my buisiness trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old azz? "

"Your name never came up," she replied

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and

then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

'Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today,' she mused to herself as

she walked down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought , 'Vy nodt?'

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender walked

up and asked her what she would like to drink.

'Ya know,' Helga said, 'it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer.

'

'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?

HEY I DON'T WRITE, 'EM, JUST POST 'EM

hay bastante "mal de palabra" y soy un hombre que me preferia ser feliz mas de "La Lucha del Foros"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!

When the daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after the nightly prayer was finished, Kelli would say, "And all girls" - This soon became part of her nightly routine to include this closing.

Curiosity got the best of her mother and she asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls" ?

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying "All Men" !!

===============

Little blonde Debi and her family were having Sunday dinner at her Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little blonde Debi received her plate, she started eating right away.

"DEBI! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said her mother.

"I don't need to" she replied.

"Of course, you do" her mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house" !!

"That's at our house" Debi explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook" ...........

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

noeyeddeer!!!!!

Subject: Washington, DC Airport Travel Agent

A Washington, DC, airport travel agent offers some examples of why the U.S. is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. ;"Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did, I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas is a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.

I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing).

I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?"

The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

> Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the

> Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the

> woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales'

> hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling

> frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp

> of a 10-foot grizzly

>

> As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing

> up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two

> reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the

> bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the

> bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the

> other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

>

> As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give

> you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there

> was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic

> environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is

> not true.'

>

> As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

>

> 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven

> and has access to all wisdom.'

>

> 'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he

> doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still

> alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'

I don't know who's responsible for this one, but:

The poor people of america have been voting for democrats for the past 60 years -

and they're still poor......

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends to the next floor.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'!

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good > Looking.

Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the > sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house

Those who quote me are fools.

Confucius say too damn much

asked, > '> What> '> s on TV?> '>

I said, > '> Dust.> '>

And then the fight started> ...>

> > > =======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She

said, > '> I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.> '>

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started> ...>

> > > =====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

> > > =====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come

back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing

my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

> > > ===============================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she

took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

> > > ===============================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and

slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get

soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the

checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired

and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,

I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds

before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most

of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that

the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets

and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now

enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because

the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an

Irish Setters ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack

he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the

time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else - My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today and I can't figure it out but at least I got laid.

And the SS one had me rollin'

Funny jokes everybody!! Oh my did they make my morning

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

www. youtube. com/ watch?v = hOkIU8BCxgU

called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle

of a particularly stressful week.

(This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss,

who understood the benefits of having fun,

told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting

was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans,

originally written for other products that

captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable.

Fifteen minutes later,

they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.

With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs..

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and yelled, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says , 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.' 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

M an: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time,

asks the boy, How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of cat ch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that- that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.'

*\*

*/*

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

It is is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate.

IMPORTANT! TRY NOT TO READ THE ANSWER UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION YOURSELF. MENSA KNOWS WHEN YOU ARE CHEATING!

OK, relax, clear your

mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with

reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to

question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically

divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East

Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If

you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and

exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why? "

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside! "

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside? "

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...

( ...I JUST LOVE THIS... )

"Nothin', but you left your Injun running.

While sitting in the waiting room, the doctor comes in, brings the first girl into the exam room and asks her to remove her blouse. After doing so, the doctor notices a large letter "O" on her chest. Quite taken back, he asks, "I don't mean to seem forward, but what is that on your chest?" The girl, quite embarassed, says, "Well doc, it's a little embarassing, but my boyfriend goes to Ohio State University and he likes to wear his letterman's jacket when we make love." The doctor thinks about it for a minute and replies, "A little unusual, but I understand." She passes and he calls in the second girl.

"Would you please have a seat and remove your blouse?" After doing so, he notices she has a large letter "I" on her chest. At the risk of sounding shocked, he asks, "What is that?" The second girl responds, "See doc, my boyfriend goes to Indiana University and he likes to wear his letterman's jacket when we make love." "Ok," replies the doctor and sends her out.

He finally brings in the third girl and asks her to have a seat and remove her blouse. When she does, the doctor is amazed to see a big letter "M" on the girl's chest. Thinking he knows how to approach this one he says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan and he likes to wear his letterman's jacket when you make love, right?" "No, no, doc. You've got it all wrong . . . my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin!"

that electric chair one was absolutely classic too!! these are all cracking me up like no tomorrow, oh man theyre great.

the husband store joke is amazing!! hahaha

absolutely pricless, loved reading them all!!

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excrete little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake

The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your

muffin.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child

innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it

didn't move'

Kids say the darndest things......

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,

"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."!

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,

they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"

she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby

and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,

"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,

"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how

would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blonde lady's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.

Each time the guy calls for a beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hits her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts....

....AND SHE DECKS HIM!!!

He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning, 'Jeez...then why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Because,' says the blonde, 'he has a licker license !'

Martha lost her husband three weeks ago. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home and kept them on the end table.

The other day she picked up the urn and went out to the patio. She sat down at the patio table and poured him out on the table.

She sat there looking at the ashes while tracing her fingers in them. After a few minutes she started talking to the ashes.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 'Herman, remember that blow-job I promised you?'

'Here it comes.'

teaches Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they

were

discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was

pretty

simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was

the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this

requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but

everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

"What makes a

natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born

by

c-section?!"

>

> As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned

> myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and

> that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

>

> To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have

> to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot

> increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we

> will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really

> been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I

> didn't know how to choose who will have to go.

>

> So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8

> Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these

> folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair

> way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to

them.

>

> If you have a better idea, let me know.

>

> Sincerely,

> The Boss

Lickalotapuss

dinosaurass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaFVP3svCgs&feature=related

Turn the volume up! (if there's no kids around)

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be open when she brings it.

--------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

--------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

--------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

--------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still tthink they are sexy.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says

6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to

her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving,

and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a

Brazilian? '

Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out....a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other

animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope..

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when...I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down,

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God...

Sincerely,

Chuck O'Hearn

Being a farmer's daughter I can relate. Had a similar situation happen with a new to us angus bull calf about 8 months old. The folk we got him from were hill people and the cattle didn't have any interraction with humans other than the catching of it and bringing it to us. It was so damned cute that I was going to get up close n pet it.

Now, I didn't get bitten, but did get a concussion and trompled in the mud n muck and narrowly missed toasting my face on the hot wire fence as well.

The deer story.... much much more entertaining - funnier cuz it's the other guy.

sounds like date-night in virginia...

the gas on with the lid down, go off and do something else and 15

minutes later, remember that you forgot to push the red button.

Push the red button. Then retrieve the grill lid from the roof of

the house.

Body Statistics:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's **** is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

*A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just

going by. He**

gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect

timing. You're just

like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did

everything right all the

time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things

happened like

that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over

everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete.

He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf

with the

pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a

Broadway star

and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an

amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really

special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a

computer. He

remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about

wine, which foods

to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix

anything. Not

like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank

Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in

traffic and avoid

traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in

them. But

Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to

treat a

woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her

back even if

she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always

immaculate, shoes

highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made

a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet

him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.

I'm married to his

&$##!#@! widow."*

My Grandma blew the grill up, too!! Since nobody got hurt, it was toooo funny!!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends - But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed, 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' she said...

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER: God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Simba is an African lion.......

Obama is a lyin African.......

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Put a nipple on it.

Pregnant.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men.

> A very self-important college freshman attending a

> recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior

> citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older

> generation to understand his generation.

> 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,'

> the student said, loud enough for many

> of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more

> advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet

> planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet.

> We have cell

> phones, nuclear energy , electric and hydrogen cars , computers,

> automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, and,' pausing to take

> another drink

> of beer.

> The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and

> said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were

> young .... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what

> are

> YOU doing for the next generation ?'

> The applause was resounding...

> I love senior citizens

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to poach eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As he walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half

discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well

developed and open to trade, especially for someone with

cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very

hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently

aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,

with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has

been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes

twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,

self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful,

with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only

those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual

knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ,

Ruled by Nuts.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her Daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it...That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her Daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

> Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The

> Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no

> woodpecker could peck.

>

> The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly

> pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican

> woodpecker was amazed.

>

> The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican

> woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely

> 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The

> Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it

> and accepted the challenge.

>

> The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker

> successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree

> almost without breaking a sweat.

>

> Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that

> the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,

> and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian

> tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own

> country?

>

> After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same

> conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when

> you're away from home.

Caller: my friend just fell out of a tree, i think hes dead

operator: please calm down sir first thing we need for you to do ia go make sure your friends is dead

caller: yes maam (background noise 2 gunshots)

caller: yes maam then what

they all look confused and the bartender says " a what" he says a taxidermist i stuff and mount animals the bartender looks around says its ok boys hes one of us

that night when he opens her present they both have a good laugh

about 2 am she wakes up to pots and pans and she goes into the kitchen and sees her husband and the frog she asks he what the hell hes doing messing up her kitchen

he says babe i love you but if i can teach it to cook your ass is gone

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

----------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a

remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

----------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

----------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

----------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

----------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

----------------------------------------------------

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how

many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

'What?'

----------------------------------------------------

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to

you !

----------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking

around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

'HEBREWS'

----------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied.........."When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells Bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the wquaws of the other two hides.

9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Montana

Cold Weather Behavior:

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Montanans plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing

in Great Falls.

40 above zero: Import cars won't start. Montanans drive with the sunroof

open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in the Missouri gets

thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats &

mittens. Montanans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in

Montana have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Montanans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. Montanans dig their

winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Montana still

selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in

Montana let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Montanans get upset

because the Mini-Van won't start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin

scale). People in Montana can be heard to say,

"Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Montana public schools open 2 hours

late.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

*This one caught me by surprise.

*

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out

shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don' t be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

*

Here' s how the scam works :

Two seriously good-looking 20- 21 year- old girls come over to your

car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk . They both

start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their

breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. It is impossible not to look.

*

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead

ask you for a ride to McDonald' s. You agree and they get in the

back seat. On the way, they start undressing . Then one of them

climbs over into the front seat and start s crawling all over you,

while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,

17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

*

Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this

upcoming weekend

*

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.s. Target has wallets on sale 2.99 each*

employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our

Physicians and Therapists ETC. and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school

female urologist..

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as

unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......."

A

husband and wife love to golf

together,

but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they

decide

to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.

After

the pro sees his swing, he says,

"No,

no, no, you're gripping the

club way

too hard!"

"Well,

what should I do?", asks

the man.

"Hold

the club gently," the pro

replied,

"just like you'd Hold your Wife's' breast."

Taking

the advice, he takes a

swing,

and POW! He hits the Ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The

ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the

wife

can't wait for her lesson.

The

next day the wife goes for

her

lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're

gripping

the club way too hard."

"What

can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold

the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The

wife listens carefully to

the

pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP-- the ball skips down the

fairway

about 15 feet.

"You

know, that was a lot better

than I

expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth

and hold

it in your

Hands..."

election IS over, let's mend fences.

>

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with

the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to

do just that.

>

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter

election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and

make-up.

>

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited to her great state of

Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and

hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

>

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will

drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill

Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

>

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of

everything!

a new breakfast meal: The Octo-Slam. You get fourteen

eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisl! e seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was g! one the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.&n bsp; When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?' How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This! spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW THE PROUD. THE MARINES

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

when it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

*

*

OK! Here it is!

*

*

*

*

A COMMONTATER

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee..'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments.

He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,

'God, if you are real,

then I want you to knock me off this platform..

I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent.

You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,

'Here I am God.

I'm still waiting'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair

went up to the professor,

and cold-cocked him,

knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied,

'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.

So, He sent me.'

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She re plied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

>

> 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

>

> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

>

> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn't lie to you.

>

> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

>

> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

>

> 'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year

old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to

come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID

ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error

before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it

out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

OUTSTANDING.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,

Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this

latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I

know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future

generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two

ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is

right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it

up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each

taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two

sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be

relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide

other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome

to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll

take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep

Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible

for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical

companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless,

homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey

moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC

and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to

invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks

and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under

assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Abortion,

Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the

U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can

take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll

keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure

you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to

Sing, Kum-Ba-Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up

poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our

history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like

minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just

hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which

one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

04:05:06 07/08/09. This will not happen again for a thousand years.

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off thehelicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet undereach arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps toattention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies "These are notpigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretaryof State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House NancyPelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps toattention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

>

> A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever

> done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

>

> Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the

> Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were

> threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they

> wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed

> biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose

> ring, and threw it on the ground.

>

> I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

>

> St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

>

> "Just a couple minutes ago..."

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We preceded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and s hot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you friggin crazy? She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after.'

called my friend Dr. Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy

showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that

appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly

through Los Angeles. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my

preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any

solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of

powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a

great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose-watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,

but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much

the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times

when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You

eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be

totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at

which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the

future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next

morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not

only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been

experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was

thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a

friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I

understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms

said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,

where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my

clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by

sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel

even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left

hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was

already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka

in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought

of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself

too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering

around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn

your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure

room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.

I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden

around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy

had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began

hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music

playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing

Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that

could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'

has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been

dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare

yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,

exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was

shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and

the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very

mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.

I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me

that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying

colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??

A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period

Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

Blonde Inventions:

1.Tricycle kickstand

2.Solar flashlight

3.Fire proof matches

4.Inflatable dartboard

5.Glass hammer

6.Black light bulb

7.Boomerang grenade

AND FINALLY....

How do you make a red head?

Send a Blonde to Hell!

He gets up after a few minutes, puzzled, picks up his chair, dusts himself off and sits down by his wife. A few minutes of silence passes and he asks, "What was that for". She replies in the nastiest voice possible.."That's for having a small penis".

He rocks back and forth, pondering this for several minutes. Then, he hauls off and decks her one, as hard as he can, knocking her ass end over tea kettle out of the chair, off the porch and into the bushes.

She picks himself, picks up the chair, dusts herself off and sits down, rocking back and forth silently. After a few minutes she said, "What was that for". To which he responds "That's for knowing the difference.

didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the

feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she

would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a

distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would

be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following

behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.

She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little

friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do

every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that

lady following us to school all week?

Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'=0

D

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd

Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.

And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me

all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon

you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon

you,and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

'I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.'

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My g/f and I had words,

But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your

remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips

into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something

about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

A little boy said to his mother , "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8.. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?", she asked.

He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the freeway, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go"

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a highway patrolman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the officer.

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face.................PRICELESS

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

"I can cut them for you," said Dan the pharmacist,

"but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

"I am 96" said the old man, "I don't want an erection.

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."

highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted

orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly

Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your

boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever -

DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life

entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should

immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or

both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and

Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If

you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK

is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately

Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho, Nevada

and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive,

you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-40, I-70 and

I-80 go east and west, I-17, I-15, I-25 and I-35 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept...

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it

outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8.. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds

of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper,

and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she

better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks,

and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than

we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we

share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

Psychiatrist says "can I help you?"

Duck says "yeah. . . get this guy off mys ass."

plinkin flying squirrels is more of the same

We got one here, Ill call him Rocky

He struts around in a way so cocky

doin your post with a blocky blocky

Once moderatin, but always strivin for some fame

The psudomoderating has left him inane

The Ozark skunk appears to be tame

he likes to play the culo kissin game

but outta that mouth comes a gossipin flame

Who woulda thunk

That the chrome dome skunk

Was a nasty ol punk?

To stay in the norm

ya have to think global warm

when yer nuts are freezing

and yer sittin there sneezing

for you to be pleasing

ya say mama natures just wheezing

If ya got some dough

And yer savin it fo sho

Keep an eye out fo

Washington and mo

Although it aint funny

The man will talk ya like his sonny

while he wastes all yer money

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner? "

The pharmacist answers, "Yes. "

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? "

Pharmacist: "Of course we do. "

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation? "

Pharmacist: "All kinds "